While I'm Waiting

There are times in my life when I know God is changing the landscape of my life and I become inpatient and don't want to wait to see the whole picture. Now is definately one of those times.

Seasons in my life have come and gone, but during all of these years, there has been one constant thorn which pricks time and time again. God is working it out, and painting a new picture. The old view however has been there for so long, and many in my life have refused to look at it. We tend to see it for the way we want to see it, and not as how ugly it really is. We see it as part of the far away part of the picture, and don't realize how much it is affecting the here and now.

God has now brought it to the forefront. Something that no longer can be denied, and my family is facing it head on. This new view is not without pain though. Pain of lost years, and lost time based on false gods and idols.

Satan is so sneaky. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ, yet Satan's voice rings loudly in my head telling me "you need to do something to take care of yourself. You need to take action, because God will never take care of you in this particular area of your life. You are on your own. You have had enough chances. No matter how hard you try, you will never be secure in this area and you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop". What a load of junk!!

Well Satan, I am here to say that I no longer believe your incredibly ridiculous lies. You have led me and my family astray for far too long. I believe in Jesus...and I believe that as long as I keep HIM and my relationship with Him as my top priority, He will provide for me and my family in all areas of our lives. I also believe that when I forget, He is also taking care of me, by giving me nudges and knocks on my head saying "Hear I am!" I believe He wants the best for me and my family and that our lives will be used to bring glory to HIM not to you.

So while I wait for this new picture of my life...Lord I will stay focused on you and all of the gifts you have provided in my life, instead of focusing on Satan's lies. I will put on my coat of armor each morning that you gave me to wear. The sandals of peace, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit...which is the Word of God.
Ephesians 6:10-19

Roller coasters

As a child I loved roller coasters. The thrill of the speed of the coaster, the feeling of falling when decending before the big loop de loops, the weightlessness when going over the hills and the security of being safe in my seat when I was in the valley's. As I mature, which is a great word to use instead of "get older", I'm debating on if I like the roller coaster's of life.

Although I learn much about myself and others, the turmoil and the scrambling of my brain that happens when I'm riding the ride makes me extremely nautious when the ride comes to a halt. I get off the ride, look back, and realize that the most comfortable I felt was in the valley. When I'm in a place where I am so terrified for the next "lift" that I have no place to go except open my heart to others and God and ask them to hold my hands through the tunnels.

I want to come to a place that when im heading up the lift, I no longer let go of your hands and throw mine in the air and say, "Never mind I got this". Each incline seems to get higher and the decent so much more scarier. I want to learn how to keep my hand in His and yours for the entire ride, so I can enjoy the whole ride again, just as I did as a child.

Connections to my soul

Another filled week of inspiration. I guess in order to keep up with my blog, I need to keep going away and doing inner child work! It seems that is when I get filled to share experiences of my life. It doesn't seem so scary to let others in.

I became a big girl again this past week and found my big girl panties to stand up and say...I'm worth more than the crumbs I settle for. I teach people how to treat me and get resentful at their actions...which ends up just hurting me in the end. I am a caretaker who gets out of herself by running around trying to help heal others pain. Which is good, to an extent. But when I suffer in the process, I have clearly gone over the edge and am out of control. I need my peeps to fill me up as well and take care of my needs. I have needs, I have discovered. And it's okay to go to people who can fill them.

Back to the basics. Spiritual foundations, connectedness, intimacy, honesty. Basic ingredients for a fulfilling life. I am hopeful for the future and for my next season of my life on this Earth. Come along for the ride. If not, I'm going to enjoy myself anyway! Sunrises and sunsets, God's promises of new beginnings and new ends. Going to try and live each day with gratitude for the breath He gives me in the morning and share it with those who want to share it with me. I've also learned that empty wells can be filled again with work. Just punch another hole to a new spring, and see what happens. Life is going to be good!

Vacation

Wow...back from vacation and feeling entirely grateful for my life.  This was the first true vacation (were I did no work for an entire week) in over 2 years.  Even though I worked out of the home, I was working for myself and was always working in some capacity to ensure a paycheck was on it's way.  It was nice to enjoy not working the past week knowing I was still going to get paid when I got back.  Just one of the benefits of not working for self. 

We did allot of traveling around the east coast.  First stop Boston, where it poured all day, but we found plenty to do to entertain us.  We visited the Aquarium ate at Faneuil Hall, spent some time in a fantastic book store and played cards into the night for dibs on the king size bed in Gloucester the next night (fortunately I got a back ache from the bed that night and ended up in the king even though I was crushed in spades).

Off to Gloucester we went where we ventured out into the sea to view the whales.  I have to admit, this was one of the highlights of the vacation.  Something I've always wanted to do on my many business trips to Boston, but never had the time.  If you ever get the chance, it's something you MUST do!  We visited the quaint little town of Rockport where they have the best little shops and lots of lobsta'!  We will definitely return to this hot spot!

Back to PA, only to venture off to Jersey the next day to Great Adventure with all the kids.  Where the price is high, but I guess the thrills are worth it.  Very expensive day, but pure joy on every one's faces when they rode the thrill rides.  Me, well I enjoyed the safari and the dolphin shows.  I tried the Houdini ride and had to cover my eyes the entire time due to something in my brain that tells me I want to vomit when the room spins around me.  Maybe some remnants of my past life, who knows.  All I know is that there wasn't a bed to hang my foot over and plant it on the ground to help stop the spinning.  Ugh.

The rest of the week was spent doing smaller day trips to the Antique Auto Museum of Hershey, Knoebels with my men, my sister-in-law and her husband, golfing at the Manor Golf Course, a picnic with some of my best buddies, Alpha Group and ending the week at the Bridge to New Life.

I feel so entirely blessed to have had this past week.  God has been so good to me and my family.  Even though I sometimes think that traveling the world would make my life better and make me feel like my life was more complete, in the end I've learned that the best vacations are the ones you spend with family, friends and God.   

My men!

Sharon and Rob

Chelsea Rose

Cassy

Starting over

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job.  I have a tremendous amount of anxiety running through these veins of mine, even though I know God will be taking care of me every step of the way.  Billy always tells me that when you make a decision in life it doesn't mean it's the end, I can always make another decision.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself to make the "right" decision?  Why does it matter to me so much?  For 12 1/2 years of our relationship now we have had numerous jobs (well, he has anyway...hahahaha) and we ALWAYS are taken care of.  We've lived in the same house for 10 years now, and our mortgage has only been late maybe once or twice....if at all.  We have food, clothing, electric, Internet, cable, phone, cars, a motorcycle, and my children pretty much have everything they want and need.  All this with me NOT having a full time job for the past two years.  Ok, ok...panic attack, enough of that already!

We had a wonderful weekend and anniversary.  We spent time with our friends Wendy and Mike helping them clean out one of their barns.  Mike should definitely be on the Antique Pickers show, or maybe be a target for Hoarders!  Wow....but it was all good.  We got one barn cleaned out just in time for it to be filled up again within 2 hours.  They fed us well too.  A feast of Cajun shrimp, fillet Mignon and corn on the cob.  Yummy.  Hint to all:  coaxing us with food almost always works, Chelsea and Devin even participated in the fun.

The study of Ruth is absolutely lovely.  We are running a little behind because we didn't get the booklets for almost a week after it started, but I know we can catch up quickly.  I've only done a weeks worth so far, and am getting a lot out of it AND...I'm only at Chapter 1 vs 17.  Amazing how I've read Ruth before, but as a book, rather than really soaking in what each verse was saying and the depth of commitment Ruth had as well as the shame and guilt Naomi had returning to Judah.  Oh how I can relate to both of them, actually to all three: Naomi, Ruth and Orpah.  Naomi, returning home to God of Israel who she turned her back on when she left for Moab.  Ruth, clinging to the hope of something better in Naomi's God, leaving her gods behind.  Orpah, returning back to despair only because it was what she knew and was comfortable with.  Yes, I can relate to all three of these marvelous women.  So much to learn and I thank you Julia for participating in this with me.

God bless.

It's about time!!

Wow...I can't believe I haven't written in over a month.  It's not because I don't love you all who check in now and then, it's just been a crazy month or so.  So much going on, so little time.

Our woman's bible study group completed the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself, Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit.  What a tremendous study.  Did a lot of soul searching over the past couple of months and found out some things that I really like about myself, and some not so good things that need to be worked on.  I am up for the challenge though and have faith in God that he will be beside me helping me every step of the way.

We started an Alpha group last week which discusses the Christian faith in an atmosphere built for believers and non-believers to be in a safe environment to ask all those questions which we are too afraid to ask.  I am so extremely excited about it, I can't even control myself.  To be able to ask tough questions, and also be in a position to maybe answer a few is a great place to be.  God is so good.  I love seeing people's eyes light up when the dots are connected for the first time.  I am continuing to pray that the Holy Spirit fill each and every one of the hearts of those that are attending and that Jesus will be revealed to them in a way they never thought possible.

I'm also starting an online study of Ruth with Beth Moore's Siesta's.  See the LPM blog in my list of blog's I like if you're interested!  Who needs college when I have all these study groups going on?  hahahahaha

My honey, love of my life, darling sweetheart of a husband is turning 45 tomorrow, our baby boy is turning 17 on the 7th, and our wedding anniversary is on the 8th.  July is our busy month.  Happy Birthday to all those who are also celebrating birthdays in July or celebrating special days as well.

One last thing, I've decided today to go back to working full time.  I believe this is a wonderful opportunity for me and they have agreed to relieve me of my consulting freedom anxiety (CFA) which I am most appreciative of.  I didn't realize how much I love my freedom and I am just not willing to give that up.  It is a win, win situation for both of us.  I get some time flexibility, financial security when it comes to getting a weekly check, some help if I decide to go back to school and they get me!  We are both winners!!  :-)  Don't worry though, I am committed to my blog and bringing you my most random thoughts and experiences, so continue to check in with me to get the latest news.

God bless you all.

Oh...P.S.  We also had a picnic in May where over 200 people showed up.  It was amazing and as soon as I can figure out how to download some of the pictures from facebook, I will share them.  In the meantime, for those who haven't seen my new patio that Devin made for me, I'm going to attempt to post them here.  Blessings again!

P.P.S.  Now that I've figured out how to add pictures...look out!!  Hahahaha  I reserve the right to post whoever and whenever.  :-)

Cleaning House

Sometimes I wish I had a house keeper.  It would be so nice to go about my daily business while someone else cleans up the messes left behind.  Like the spots left on the floor in the kitchen from someone dripping some type of liquid on it.  Or the soap scum left in the bathtub after multiple showers and a drain still clogged.  Or the dust piling up in the corners of the hardwood floor (sometimes carpets are much nicer at hiding these things).  Or the wash piling up downstairs...well really it's clean, it just needs to be put away.  The list goes on.  What I find though is that when I clean it myself, I get a lot of satisfaction in knowing that I did it. 

Same goes with the internal house cleanings.  I really wish sometimes that I could have someone to go through my brain, scrub out all the left over pains, resentments, and confessions still needing to "maid" and I'll come back when it's all finished.  They could also do all my amends for me while they were at it.  I suppose it wouldn't be the same though.  I would just continue to make the same messes over and over while the brain "maid" would keep getting paid for my sloppiness.  What a waste of time and money that would be.  What lessons are learned in that?  Am I really that busy that I can't do a little housekeeping whether it's internal or external?  No...but it sure would be nice sometimes.

Lord, please help me to continue cleaning.  I know that each time I do, the cobwebs are cleared and I can see you more clearly.  My heart fills with joy with the undeniable truth of your presence in my life.  Take away my fears and obsessions that keep me from you.  The more I wait, the more piles up, and the more frustrated and overwhelmed I become, which keeps me mobilized.  Then nothing gets done, and Satan takes over.  Even if I have to do one room at a time...whether it be the kitchen cleaning, or my "brain" cleaning....help me to remember, that you love me no matter what dirt I uncover.  Thank you Lord!  In Jesus name, Amen!