Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I was at my Bible study group last night and it occurred to me that I have always been trying to work my way into Heaven. If I could just work harder, help more people, be a better mom, attend ALL my kids functions, memorize scripture, make a better casserole, have a bigger kitchen so I could have the "family" dinner every night, not be a divorcee, on and on and on.

Like there is some score card out there that says if I don't do all this perfectly, then I won't be able to get into Heaven! Where in the world did that come from? Who knows, but I surely have some screwed up thinking. Still.

The only scorecard that is going on, is the one that resides within my brain. A little checklist that still reads "you'll never get into Heaven because of all these wrongs you did in your life, so you better get cracking on changing the past". What the heck? I don't want to go back there!! And I'm told I don't need to. I'm told that I need to clense the demons that still haunt me to make room for the Holy Spirit to pass through me. I'm told that I will screw up every day, but that I will be forgiven and that Jesus died for ME and you and you and you and ...........

So, I will continue to try and do my best everyday. If the pot roast burns, and I have to make a boxed dinner, I'm sure the Lord is happy that I at least fed my children.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Faith and Motherhood

I know, it's been weeks since I've published. Life has been most unnerving the last couple of weeks. I will say that I am forever grateful to GOD for having the opportunity to be at home with my family the past year. It's been one heck of a roller coaster, and I'm not sure how I would have handled it if I would have been stuck at an 8 to 5, high-stress, frequent traveling and under appreciative job. Most people would have called my last job a "dream" job based on the salary I was making. Let me tell you, that money did not buy me happiness nor did it provide serenity. All it gave me was headaches, frustrations, depression and frequent trips to the hospital due to anxiety.

I am making less money, but the rewards of being available to family and friends has given me more than anything that money could have bought me. I feel that I have been living life to it's fullest and God has provided me everything I have needed. Isn't life supposed to be about giving back, helping someone else, spreading love and trusting GOD?

Over the last year I have re-connected with my brother, who is currently serving time in a state prison in Montana, but who I love more today than I ever thought I could possibly love. He is an inspiration to me of faith. I have been able to give back to the community with my time. My phone rings non-stop during the day, mostly people who just need someone to listen. I have been able to visit colleges with my daughter and walk through the fear with my husband and his diabetes. Doctor visits, weight loss, learning how to eat properly, having time to actually cook a healthy meal instead of the 30 minute boxed, clogging arteries and high carb dinners. I've been available to my son who is suffering from mental illness and alcohol abuse at the age of 15. I have not had to take 1 "vacation/PTO" hour in the last year and worry about still having left over vacation hours for small get-a-ways with the family where you spend most of the time depressed because you have to go back to work.

I look forward to each day and what opportunities await me. This must have been what it was like for stay at home mom's years ago. You know the ones. Those that had 4 to 16 babies, made their childrens clothing and actually re-used them on the younger ones, made 3 meals a day, spent time helping them with their home work, took them to church every Sunday, didn't plop in a VCR/DVD to entertain their children so they could enjoy some peace and quiet after a long day at the office. My priorites were completely screwed up with that "dream" job and the more money I made, the less mental time was spent on my family. I think I may want the Little House on the Prarie life-style back instead of the rat race most women live in today. My prayer is for all mothers who find themselves more worried about moving up the corporate ladder so they can afford to go out to eat more and buy their children the designer clothes and send them to the best schools who can teach their children that the more education you have the more money you will make and the happier you will be. I learned the hard way, that this is not reality. Teach them that no matter what, GOD is good all the time and that no matter what they do in life, GOD will be there for them and give them everything they need.