Monday, November 21, 2011

Roller coasters

As a child I loved roller coasters. The thrill of the speed of the coaster, the feeling of falling when decending before the big loop de loops, the weightlessness when going over the hills and the security of being safe in my seat when I was in the valley's. As I mature, which is a great word to use instead of "get older", I'm debating on if I like the roller coaster's of life.

Although I learn much about myself and others, the turmoil and the scrambling of my brain that happens when I'm riding the ride makes me extremely nautious when the ride comes to a halt. I get off the ride, look back, and realize that the most comfortable I felt was in the valley. When I'm in a place where I am so terrified for the next "lift" that I have no place to go except open my heart to others and God and ask them to hold my hands through the tunnels.

I want to come to a place that when im heading up the lift, I no longer let go of your hands and throw mine in the air and say, "Never mind I got this". Each incline seems to get higher and the decent so much more scarier. I want to learn how to keep my hand in His and yours for the entire ride, so I can enjoy the whole ride again, just as I did as a child.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Connections to my soul

Another filled week of inspiration. I guess in order to keep up with my blog, I need to keep going away and doing inner child work! It seems that is when I get filled to share experiences of my life. It doesn't seem so scary to let others in.

I became a big girl again this past week and found my big girl panties to stand up and say...I'm worth more than the crumbs I settle for. I teach people how to treat me and get resentful at their actions...which ends up just hurting me in the end. I am a caretaker who gets out of herself by running around trying to help heal others pain. Which is good, to an extent. But when I suffer in the process, I have clearly gone over the edge and am out of control. I need my peeps to fill me up as well and take care of my needs. I have needs, I have discovered. And it's okay to go to people who can fill them.

Back to the basics. Spiritual foundations, connectedness, intimacy, honesty. Basic ingredients for a fulfilling life. I am hopeful for the future and for my next season of my life on this Earth. Come along for the ride. If not, I'm going to enjoy myself anyway! Sunrises and sunsets, God's promises of new beginnings and new ends. Going to try and live each day with gratitude for the breath He gives me in the morning and share it with those who want to share it with me. I've also learned that empty wells can be filled again with work. Just punch another hole to a new spring, and see what happens. Life is going to be good!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Greatest Commandment

Just got back from Bible Study and felt inspired to comment on some of the thoughts the study stirred up in my head. 

We talked about how God is Love and what that means.  I put so many limits on it based on my experiences with the human race.  I feel I have to do the right thing all the time, or God will walk away just like people have done in my life, or how I have done that to other's in my life.  Why do we (I) do that?  Love does hurt sometimes.  Sometimes I don't want to hear the truth that people tell me, but it doesn't mean I need to walk away, even though that feels like the easier and less painful way at that very moment.  Just because I've been asked what I thought, or I write down how I'm feeling at any given moment, doesn't mean that I'll feel that way forever.  Restraint of pen and tongue they say, and sometimes that is the best thing thing to do.  I don't want to hurt people, it is never my intention...well, maybe not never.  I must confess that I have lashed out a few times based on the hurt I was feeling, but for the most part my intentions are good and I thoroughly regret it once I've hit the send button.  I don't want to see anyone that I love hurting and sometimes I think I know what is best for them.  My epiphany is that only God knows that.  Even though I may feel it in every fiber of my being that things are not as they should be, they are.  They are right in line with the Divine Plan.  God can make good out of any situation, and I just need to sit back, relax, watch, and spread the love I feel inside.  Sometimes I feel it so passionately that I feel I'll bust at the seams.

Recently (well, within the past year or so), I have been extremely devastated by loss.  It has caused me to shut down, keep friends at bay, don't let others get too close...because I don't want to feel the grief that has built up inside me.  Today, and just for today, I thank God for the gift of love that he has given me to share with others and the pain that it sometimes causes within me.  I can only imagine the pain He feels when I walk away from Him.  The thought of knowing that He loves me anyway as I am wondering is comforting to me.  The thought of knowing that He is thinking of me, when I am not necessarily thinking of Him, brings me peace.  The thought of knowing that once I feel this grief out to the end will give me more room for His love and the love of other's gives me hope.

Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version, ©2010)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”