While I'm Waiting

There are times in my life when I know God is changing the landscape of my life and I become inpatient and don't want to wait to see the whole picture. Now is definately one of those times.

Seasons in my life have come and gone, but during all of these years, there has been one constant thorn which pricks time and time again. God is working it out, and painting a new picture. The old view however has been there for so long, and many in my life have refused to look at it. We tend to see it for the way we want to see it, and not as how ugly it really is. We see it as part of the far away part of the picture, and don't realize how much it is affecting the here and now.

God has now brought it to the forefront. Something that no longer can be denied, and my family is facing it head on. This new view is not without pain though. Pain of lost years, and lost time based on false gods and idols.

Satan is so sneaky. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ, yet Satan's voice rings loudly in my head telling me "you need to do something to take care of yourself. You need to take action, because God will never take care of you in this particular area of your life. You are on your own. You have had enough chances. No matter how hard you try, you will never be secure in this area and you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop". What a load of junk!!

Well Satan, I am here to say that I no longer believe your incredibly ridiculous lies. You have led me and my family astray for far too long. I believe in Jesus...and I believe that as long as I keep HIM and my relationship with Him as my top priority, He will provide for me and my family in all areas of our lives. I also believe that when I forget, He is also taking care of me, by giving me nudges and knocks on my head saying "Hear I am!" I believe He wants the best for me and my family and that our lives will be used to bring glory to HIM not to you.

So while I wait for this new picture of my life...Lord I will stay focused on you and all of the gifts you have provided in my life, instead of focusing on Satan's lies. I will put on my coat of armor each morning that you gave me to wear. The sandals of peace, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit...which is the Word of God.
Ephesians 6:10-19

Roller coasters

As a child I loved roller coasters. The thrill of the speed of the coaster, the feeling of falling when decending before the big loop de loops, the weightlessness when going over the hills and the security of being safe in my seat when I was in the valley's. As I mature, which is a great word to use instead of "get older", I'm debating on if I like the roller coaster's of life.

Although I learn much about myself and others, the turmoil and the scrambling of my brain that happens when I'm riding the ride makes me extremely nautious when the ride comes to a halt. I get off the ride, look back, and realize that the most comfortable I felt was in the valley. When I'm in a place where I am so terrified for the next "lift" that I have no place to go except open my heart to others and God and ask them to hold my hands through the tunnels.

I want to come to a place that when im heading up the lift, I no longer let go of your hands and throw mine in the air and say, "Never mind I got this". Each incline seems to get higher and the decent so much more scarier. I want to learn how to keep my hand in His and yours for the entire ride, so I can enjoy the whole ride again, just as I did as a child.

Connections to my soul

Another filled week of inspiration. I guess in order to keep up with my blog, I need to keep going away and doing inner child work! It seems that is when I get filled to share experiences of my life. It doesn't seem so scary to let others in.

I became a big girl again this past week and found my big girl panties to stand up and say...I'm worth more than the crumbs I settle for. I teach people how to treat me and get resentful at their actions...which ends up just hurting me in the end. I am a caretaker who gets out of herself by running around trying to help heal others pain. Which is good, to an extent. But when I suffer in the process, I have clearly gone over the edge and am out of control. I need my peeps to fill me up as well and take care of my needs. I have needs, I have discovered. And it's okay to go to people who can fill them.

Back to the basics. Spiritual foundations, connectedness, intimacy, honesty. Basic ingredients for a fulfilling life. I am hopeful for the future and for my next season of my life on this Earth. Come along for the ride. If not, I'm going to enjoy myself anyway! Sunrises and sunsets, God's promises of new beginnings and new ends. Going to try and live each day with gratitude for the breath He gives me in the morning and share it with those who want to share it with me. I've also learned that empty wells can be filled again with work. Just punch another hole to a new spring, and see what happens. Life is going to be good!

Vacation

Wow...back from vacation and feeling entirely grateful for my life.  This was the first true vacation (were I did no work for an entire week) in over 2 years.  Even though I worked out of the home, I was working for myself and was always working in some capacity to ensure a paycheck was on it's way.  It was nice to enjoy not working the past week knowing I was still going to get paid when I got back.  Just one of the benefits of not working for self. 

We did allot of traveling around the east coast.  First stop Boston, where it poured all day, but we found plenty to do to entertain us.  We visited the Aquarium ate at Faneuil Hall, spent some time in a fantastic book store and played cards into the night for dibs on the king size bed in Gloucester the next night (fortunately I got a back ache from the bed that night and ended up in the king even though I was crushed in spades).

Off to Gloucester we went where we ventured out into the sea to view the whales.  I have to admit, this was one of the highlights of the vacation.  Something I've always wanted to do on my many business trips to Boston, but never had the time.  If you ever get the chance, it's something you MUST do!  We visited the quaint little town of Rockport where they have the best little shops and lots of lobsta'!  We will definitely return to this hot spot!

Back to PA, only to venture off to Jersey the next day to Great Adventure with all the kids.  Where the price is high, but I guess the thrills are worth it.  Very expensive day, but pure joy on every one's faces when they rode the thrill rides.  Me, well I enjoyed the safari and the dolphin shows.  I tried the Houdini ride and had to cover my eyes the entire time due to something in my brain that tells me I want to vomit when the room spins around me.  Maybe some remnants of my past life, who knows.  All I know is that there wasn't a bed to hang my foot over and plant it on the ground to help stop the spinning.  Ugh.

The rest of the week was spent doing smaller day trips to the Antique Auto Museum of Hershey, Knoebels with my men, my sister-in-law and her husband, golfing at the Manor Golf Course, a picnic with some of my best buddies, Alpha Group and ending the week at the Bridge to New Life.

I feel so entirely blessed to have had this past week.  God has been so good to me and my family.  Even though I sometimes think that traveling the world would make my life better and make me feel like my life was more complete, in the end I've learned that the best vacations are the ones you spend with family, friends and God.   

My men!

Sharon and Rob

Chelsea Rose

Cassy

Starting over

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job.  I have a tremendous amount of anxiety running through these veins of mine, even though I know God will be taking care of me every step of the way.  Billy always tells me that when you make a decision in life it doesn't mean it's the end, I can always make another decision.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself to make the "right" decision?  Why does it matter to me so much?  For 12 1/2 years of our relationship now we have had numerous jobs (well, he has anyway...hahahaha) and we ALWAYS are taken care of.  We've lived in the same house for 10 years now, and our mortgage has only been late maybe once or twice....if at all.  We have food, clothing, electric, Internet, cable, phone, cars, a motorcycle, and my children pretty much have everything they want and need.  All this with me NOT having a full time job for the past two years.  Ok, ok...panic attack, enough of that already!

We had a wonderful weekend and anniversary.  We spent time with our friends Wendy and Mike helping them clean out one of their barns.  Mike should definitely be on the Antique Pickers show, or maybe be a target for Hoarders!  Wow....but it was all good.  We got one barn cleaned out just in time for it to be filled up again within 2 hours.  They fed us well too.  A feast of Cajun shrimp, fillet Mignon and corn on the cob.  Yummy.  Hint to all:  coaxing us with food almost always works, Chelsea and Devin even participated in the fun.

The study of Ruth is absolutely lovely.  We are running a little behind because we didn't get the booklets for almost a week after it started, but I know we can catch up quickly.  I've only done a weeks worth so far, and am getting a lot out of it AND...I'm only at Chapter 1 vs 17.  Amazing how I've read Ruth before, but as a book, rather than really soaking in what each verse was saying and the depth of commitment Ruth had as well as the shame and guilt Naomi had returning to Judah.  Oh how I can relate to both of them, actually to all three: Naomi, Ruth and Orpah.  Naomi, returning home to God of Israel who she turned her back on when she left for Moab.  Ruth, clinging to the hope of something better in Naomi's God, leaving her gods behind.  Orpah, returning back to despair only because it was what she knew and was comfortable with.  Yes, I can relate to all three of these marvelous women.  So much to learn and I thank you Julia for participating in this with me.

God bless.

It's about time!!

Wow...I can't believe I haven't written in over a month.  It's not because I don't love you all who check in now and then, it's just been a crazy month or so.  So much going on, so little time.

Our woman's bible study group completed the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself, Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit.  What a tremendous study.  Did a lot of soul searching over the past couple of months and found out some things that I really like about myself, and some not so good things that need to be worked on.  I am up for the challenge though and have faith in God that he will be beside me helping me every step of the way.

We started an Alpha group last week which discusses the Christian faith in an atmosphere built for believers and non-believers to be in a safe environment to ask all those questions which we are too afraid to ask.  I am so extremely excited about it, I can't even control myself.  To be able to ask tough questions, and also be in a position to maybe answer a few is a great place to be.  God is so good.  I love seeing people's eyes light up when the dots are connected for the first time.  I am continuing to pray that the Holy Spirit fill each and every one of the hearts of those that are attending and that Jesus will be revealed to them in a way they never thought possible.

I'm also starting an online study of Ruth with Beth Moore's Siesta's.  See the LPM blog in my list of blog's I like if you're interested!  Who needs college when I have all these study groups going on?  hahahahaha

My honey, love of my life, darling sweetheart of a husband is turning 45 tomorrow, our baby boy is turning 17 on the 7th, and our wedding anniversary is on the 8th.  July is our busy month.  Happy Birthday to all those who are also celebrating birthdays in July or celebrating special days as well.

One last thing, I've decided today to go back to working full time.  I believe this is a wonderful opportunity for me and they have agreed to relieve me of my consulting freedom anxiety (CFA) which I am most appreciative of.  I didn't realize how much I love my freedom and I am just not willing to give that up.  It is a win, win situation for both of us.  I get some time flexibility, financial security when it comes to getting a weekly check, some help if I decide to go back to school and they get me!  We are both winners!!  :-)  Don't worry though, I am committed to my blog and bringing you my most random thoughts and experiences, so continue to check in with me to get the latest news.

God bless you all.

Oh...P.S.  We also had a picnic in May where over 200 people showed up.  It was amazing and as soon as I can figure out how to download some of the pictures from facebook, I will share them.  In the meantime, for those who haven't seen my new patio that Devin made for me, I'm going to attempt to post them here.  Blessings again!

P.P.S.  Now that I've figured out how to add pictures...look out!!  Hahahaha  I reserve the right to post whoever and whenever.  :-)

Cleaning House

Sometimes I wish I had a house keeper.  It would be so nice to go about my daily business while someone else cleans up the messes left behind.  Like the spots left on the floor in the kitchen from someone dripping some type of liquid on it.  Or the soap scum left in the bathtub after multiple showers and a drain still clogged.  Or the dust piling up in the corners of the hardwood floor (sometimes carpets are much nicer at hiding these things).  Or the wash piling up downstairs...well really it's clean, it just needs to be put away.  The list goes on.  What I find though is that when I clean it myself, I get a lot of satisfaction in knowing that I did it. 

Same goes with the internal house cleanings.  I really wish sometimes that I could have someone to go through my brain, scrub out all the left over pains, resentments, and confessions still needing to "maid" and I'll come back when it's all finished.  They could also do all my amends for me while they were at it.  I suppose it wouldn't be the same though.  I would just continue to make the same messes over and over while the brain "maid" would keep getting paid for my sloppiness.  What a waste of time and money that would be.  What lessons are learned in that?  Am I really that busy that I can't do a little housekeeping whether it's internal or external?  No...but it sure would be nice sometimes.

Lord, please help me to continue cleaning.  I know that each time I do, the cobwebs are cleared and I can see you more clearly.  My heart fills with joy with the undeniable truth of your presence in my life.  Take away my fears and obsessions that keep me from you.  The more I wait, the more piles up, and the more frustrated and overwhelmed I become, which keeps me mobilized.  Then nothing gets done, and Satan takes over.  Even if I have to do one room at a time...whether it be the kitchen cleaning, or my "brain" cleaning....help me to remember, that you love me no matter what dirt I uncover.  Thank you Lord!  In Jesus name, Amen!

Sugar Daddy

I think the hardest thing to do is wait.  Boy do I just want to jump everytime I have a brilliant idea.  When I do that, I end up messing up a lot of things.  Even though it seems like it may be working out, after awhile, it becomes apparent that I've messed up.  Then it takes additional effort to go back and fix it all.  Thank God I've learned this lesson over and over again.  Repetitiveness seems to make an impression on my brain.

When I wait, God reveals the undisputable answer.  I can tell in my soul when it's the right thing.  There is no anxiety, no worry, no fear, no debate.  Then the only effort I have to put in is to move my feet towards Him.  It's not a marathon to get to my destination when I wait, it's just a few short steps.

Unencrypted, God showed up in my life over the last week and made it pretty clear that I should move on from a consulting gig I had.  I have been debating it for a awhile, and I didn't want to make any moves without Him.  I've been praying for Him to show me what I need to do, and He answered me.  All I needed to do was show up, wait, and watch.  It's never easy to make decisions when it affects me financially, so I'm grateful I have my sugar daddy to take care of me.  His name is Jesus!  The good news, is that he is available to all who come to Him, and he's one man I won't be jealous over and am willing to share with EVERYONE!

Healing Broken Hearts

Where do you find your comfort when your heart is breaking?  Who do you go to when you are afraid, lonely, hurting and wanting to just curl up in a ball, cry your eyes out and dissolve into the sofa?

My friends, I am hurting today.  My comfort lies in knowing that God is working a wonderful plan for me, my family, my friends, and yes even my enemies.  Does that mean it hurts less?  Just a little.  I need to pour it out though in order for it to hurt even less.  I need to turn it over...give it to God, and release the pain.  How do I do that?  Watch, read, and listen to your own heart.  Hear it goes.

Dear Lord Jesus....I am in so much pain longing for my brother and the agony of being separated from him.  My eyes are full of tears, and my heart feels as if it may explode with grief.  How can I feel gratitude and this pain at the same time?  Gratitude for the relationship I have with him today, and the pain and torture I feel for all the years that have been lost.  The pain and anger I feel for the distance between him and our family.  That we cannot just pick up and go see him on the weekend, or anytime we feel like it.  That our hugs consist of "I love you's" over the phone.  The sense of urgency I feel when the woman says "you have 1 minute".  How my heart falls to my stomach and it feels like he's being ripped from us again.  Lord Jesus...I do have faith that you have a plan for him and for my family.  That you will use him and us for Your glory.  That the rewards for our suffering will be beyond anything we could possibly imagine.  That by feeling this pain and releasing it to you, that it will disappear.  Lord Jesus, God all powerful and merciful, surround my family with comfort that You will provide Your perfect peace to us.  Take away our fears and our pain that we may bask in Your sunlight and Your Glory!  Thank you Lord All Mighty.  Thank you for EVERYTHING.  Amen.

I once was blind, but now I see

John 9:11 He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see."

How do I relate to this verse?  Jesus has created a miracle in me, exactly the same way he did to the blind man in John.  I believe he heals my blindness every day.

I was one of the BIGGEST victim's roaming this earth, and there a few people all too eager around here who will contest to that.  Being that victim prevented me from looking at my participation in a few of the major events in my life (blindness).  I'm not saying that I had a part in the gang rape when I was 6, but I am saying I had a part in my first marriage falling apart, and the fact that my brother and I didn't speak for almost 5 years on top of 20+ years of almost forced communication (you know the type, put on a happy face for the family who can see right through it anyway).  I wanted to walk around and say how awful my first husband was, how terrible my brother was and can't you see that's why I think I deserve to drink, or neglect my children the way I do, or date the people I think are good for me, or stay out to all hours of the morning when I don't have the kids, or keep all people at a distance so I don't get hurt again, or go to another person for help when the first person doesn't co-sign my stuff anymore, or focus on everyone else because it is way to painful to look at me, I'm doing just fine?  Woe is me.  I deserve to sin because it doesn't matter, I'm going to hell anyway.

Wow, was I blinded.  Blinded by resentment, fear, pain, hurt, jealousy, grief, greed, lust and so much more.  The mud Jesus put in my eye were my consequences.  The loss of my marriage, financial ruin, the pain in my mother's and sister's eyes, loss of friendships, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, etc.  Where is my Siloam?  First it was the rooms of a 12 step program, then it was a church on top of a magic mountain, then it was a therapist's office, and 12 years later it is a combination of prayer, church, family (including my brother), friends, and my therapist.  I confess to all of them, and yes sometimes I confess right here on Lipstick Dogs. 

The thing is, is that when I confess what is really going on, I get clarity and the blinders are lifted and I can see again.  I don't make the same mistakes, or at least to the degree as I did the first time.  I have a wonderful marriage today, my kids are healthy and thriving, I have a wonderful relationship with all of my family, I am reconnecting with old friends, and making new friends.  Jesus heals my blindness, I am a witness for him. 

Quick daily example:  My daughter called tonight and wants to go an exhibit in Philadelphia next week.  The choices were Wednesday or Thursday night.  Thursday night I have bible study and if we go Wednesday night my husband would have to take off of work.  So I email my husband and say, Chelsea wants to go to an exhibit on Wednesday, can you take off of work?  Can you see my sin?  Can you see my blindness?  It took me by the time I hit the send button to realize I was dishonest, selfish and greedy.  Yes, I don't want to miss my bible study, but if my husband doesn't have to take personal time off on Thursday, why would I ask him to do that?

Do you have mud in your eye you need to wash out?  Are you a silent victim?  How has Jesus helped heal your blindness?

Mustard Seeds

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to a mulberry tree, be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you." (Luke 17:6)

I came across this passage today while reading Luke, and it always moves me when I'm told that even if I have the faith of a mustard seed in God, that I can do pretty much anything through Him.  Not that I want to stop at the mustard seed, I think I would rather have the faith of an oak tree.  Solid, hard, steadfast.  What blocks me from that type of faith?

I've been participating in a Beth Moore bible study the last couple of months on the Fruits of the Spirit.  I will share a bit of what I've learned so far in the study and what I've learned this week.  Remember my thinking is sometimes off, so these are only thoughts that go through my head, not necessarily fact.  Although I believe I am on this journey with God and pretty much anything that goes through my head was meant to go through there.  (see what I mean)

What I've learned so far is that the Holy Spirit resides inside me because I've accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  That I am completely sealed off from any evil spirit (Satan) consuming me.  That I cannot be separated from Him.  If I am feeling separated, then all I need to do is turn around, get back in the Word, pray, remember that I am forgiven, talk to my fellow believers, get back to church, love someone else, PRAISE HIM!!  AND...I can do this even if I only have the faith of a mustard seed. 

In the study so far this week (2 days) we've been learning about peace.  I've learned that Satan asks God for permission to test us (Job 1-3).  That God believed in Job enough to know that he would prove Satan wrong, and that I need to believe in God enough to prove my mind wrong of the things I sometimes believe.  When my peace is interrupted by the thoughts of financial insecurity, thoughts of grief for those I have not lost yet, thoughts of my children and where they may be headed, sadness for being separated from my brother, worry about my friends....I need to turn it over to Him and BELIEVE that through Him all things are possible.  That we are ALL inheritors of the Kingdom as long as we believe in Him.  That we need to be examples (witnesses) for Him on this earth.  That we have the Prince of Peace who died for us on the cross.  Through Him WE WILL have peace.  This is a promise to us.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????  It means that I need to live my life today as an example of this peace.  That I need to show the world the trust I have in Him, no matter what happens here on this earth.  That the only thing that really matters is that I will eventually be wearing my princess dress and my crown as I walk into the pearly gates and inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.  That it doesn't matter how much is in my bank account and that when I worry about it, it has become an idol to me.  I have put it before God and therefore have lost my peace.

Oh boy...so there we have it.  2 days into a week of study on peace and I'm out of control.  Good thing I have a place to put my thoughts.  More to come on this one I'm sure!

Are you first or last?

The point I am pondering today from my book is this: Jesus didn't just say, "Be satisfied if you are given the lowest seat"; he said, "Take the lowest place."  Basically, do I compare outwardly my position because I care about the "status" in the community, or inwardly my position because I care about what God wants me to be and do?

Type A:  Am I about how far up the latter I get?  What position in line I am?  How many places I've traveled?  How high my paycheck is?  How big my house is?  Are my clothes in fashion?  What kind of car I drive?  How many degrees I have?  What's my status in the socialite circle?  Do I have the perfect marriage?

or am I

Type B: How many people can I help today?  Where can I be useful?  Where can I be a servant?  Where would God have me?

This is my black and white thinking.  Either I am Type A, or I am Type B.  Really, I am somewhere in between today.  I am striving for Type B, and more times than not I am living there.  It's when I see the Jones' living more towards Type A and they seem happy, that I start getting competitive and wanting the same things again that I had.  What is that?  My humanism?  Satan creeping in?  I think both.  I need to remember where Type A got me.....to Type B.  God is SO good!

I also have to remember that even though it may appear that the Jones' are leaning towards Type A, that just like me, it may be just a blip and then the scale will start shifting again to Type B.

One last point, if you are thinking I am writing this about you, then you might want to take a look at how often you are living in Type A.....because this story, was really about me.  :-)

Quickly or Slowly...God and my mother's love

Most of the time I demand to have immediate gratification for my decisions. When that happens, I am happy for a small period of time (days, weeks or even maybe a couple of years) and then I move on to something else I think I want and demand to have that instead. It's those things that I wait for and work towards, and those things that are given to me which I don't understand but I keep and realize the significance of, that mean the most to me.

I've been reading The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Hollady, which is a 40 day journey in developing the relationship skills that Jesus teaches us about. Today's reading was about Matthew 18:4 "Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven".


Do I go to God demanding that he fixes certain situations I am in (and tell him exactly the way it should be fixed)? Do I force solutions/relationships in order to have that quick fix because I'm not trusting God enough to let him work in my life and put before me those things that are good for me? Am I so caught up in what I think is best that I completely miss what God put before me? My answer to these questions is absolutely, but not all the time.


Patience is one of the scariest things to pray for, but yet the most rewarding. When I can completely turn my life over to God and ask Him to take care of all my needs and wants, I have freedom from worry and am able to enjoy my life for I know that He will take care of me, no matter what and I feel safe! I know that He will provide for me things that were not even in my thoughts, for I limit myself, but He knows my full potential and works on bringing that out in me and for me to work for His glory.


I remember when I was little asking my dad for material things (wants) all the time, and he provided them. He was a care free character who revelled in the material things of this world and thought he was indestructible, which was his demise. On the other hand, my mom provided all of my needs. I know it was hard for her and that she struggled financially to provide clothing, food, shelter and that she struggled internally as well and sacrificed more than I will ever know. Which was more of an example of God's love to me? My mother is one of the purest examples of Jesus' sacrifice for my sins than anyone in my life. She shows unconditional love for ALL her children, she does everything possible to provide for our needs, yet lets us learn our own lessons and is there for us when we fall. For Christmas I could always count on my dad buying us what we asked for, yet my mom would buy us things that we never thought of. This was incredible, because she always knew what we needed without us asking her. Even though we may not have appreciated it right when we got it all the time, we eventually realized it was something we really needed.


Mom, I love you and thank you for your example. If I can be half of the example you have been to me to my children and to other people I come in contact with, then I hope I have made you and God proud. Your love, mom, multiplied 1 trillion is not even close to God's love for me and I cannot fathom it, for your love has been so great.

Precious Cargo

My daughter Chelsea texted me today that she got a new job working at Lowe's and was so excited.  She was on her way to her other job at Toys R Us, and I texted her back saying to be careful that she is precious cargo and she needs to treat herself that way.  After I sent the text, I thought about it and how profound that statement is. 

Our bodies are but vessels for the Holy Spirit, God to communicate to others.  I look for burning bushes, I look for the waters to part, I look for the worst of the worst afflictions to be miraculously healed, but I forget to look in my sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, husbands, childrens, friends, neighbors, strangers eyes and see that God is residing right there.  Close enough for me to reach out and touch Him. 

I know this is not a secret to some, but sometimes I get this God smack right up alongside my head that says "Dah Tina, WAKE UP!!  You can hear my voice through everyone and everything.  You can see my miracles in all things.  I am working my miracles in every movement on the earth.  I have a plan, and you are on a need to know basis.  When you need to know, you will know.  For now, I've got this.  Stop messing around with it."

How simple.  How wonderful.  How incredibly hard to remember.  No wonder he gives us one day at a time.  Each day I hit the reset button and try again, knowing that somewhere along the way, I'm going to screw things up again, but grateful for the opportunity to change it tomorrow and if I'm lucky, before I hit the pillow that night.

Grief and Glory

In my bible study this week we talked about agape love, the love that God provides. As we were talking, I wrote a note to self "was all of the grief in my life for this purpose?"  For me to be where I am today?  The glory of my life today and the journey I am on today with God?

We watched a video and that is basically what was talked about.  That if we don't feel the pain of grief and rejection, then why would we search out the love of God?  If we could possibly get that type of love from people, then would we even need God?  I've learned about agape love, and I will strive to give that type of love, but I know that I will fail every day.  I can only expect that type of love from God.

Beloved's, I am mourning.  I tried to help a young girl last year and I got the news today that she did not make it.  That her addiction took her life.  When this happens, questions come into my thoughts.  Why didn't she "get" it?  Why do her children need to go through this pain?  Could I have done anything else to help her?  Why does her family need to suffer this pain and this loss?  Did she know Jesus?  Did I ask her that?  Should I have gone to that place with her?  and on and on and on. 

Then I come to this prayer "Lord Jesus, God in the Highest, Your work in this world is beyond anything I can possibly dream.  Help me to be of service to those who need me.  Help me to walk in line with Your will and walk beside my friends who are grieving.  Surround them with your love and heal their hearts.  Lord please don't let their hearts harden.  Please don't let my heart harden again, for I trust in You, Oh Lord my God.  Thank you for showing me how to love and for softening my heart enough to love again.  Take away my fear of love so that I may feel the joy of love.  You are almighty and I trust in you always.  Amen"

Jonah and the Whale

Well, I read Jonah this morning. Not really sure how I got led to Jonah, but I guess that's what I needed to read. As I'm reading it, I'm thinking "What in the world could I have in common with a dude who got swallowed by a huge fish!". Okay...okay, I get it. Here is his prayer as he's inside the fish: (NIV 2:2-9)

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.' The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God. When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD."

Only when I was swallowed up by life and felt the desperation of death (death of my spirit, not of the flesh), did I turn to the LORD and ask for HIS help. I am getting much better at asking and receiving His help before I get to that breaking point. Sometimes I wait too long and it again becomes painful. The great thing is, is that I now know where the answers are and fall to my knees quicker, before I get completely swallowed up.