I once was blind, but now I see

John 9:11 He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see."

How do I relate to this verse?  Jesus has created a miracle in me, exactly the same way he did to the blind man in John.  I believe he heals my blindness every day.

I was one of the BIGGEST victim's roaming this earth, and there a few people all too eager around here who will contest to that.  Being that victim prevented me from looking at my participation in a few of the major events in my life (blindness).  I'm not saying that I had a part in the gang rape when I was 6, but I am saying I had a part in my first marriage falling apart, and the fact that my brother and I didn't speak for almost 5 years on top of 20+ years of almost forced communication (you know the type, put on a happy face for the family who can see right through it anyway).  I wanted to walk around and say how awful my first husband was, how terrible my brother was and can't you see that's why I think I deserve to drink, or neglect my children the way I do, or date the people I think are good for me, or stay out to all hours of the morning when I don't have the kids, or keep all people at a distance so I don't get hurt again, or go to another person for help when the first person doesn't co-sign my stuff anymore, or focus on everyone else because it is way to painful to look at me, I'm doing just fine?  Woe is me.  I deserve to sin because it doesn't matter, I'm going to hell anyway.

Wow, was I blinded.  Blinded by resentment, fear, pain, hurt, jealousy, grief, greed, lust and so much more.  The mud Jesus put in my eye were my consequences.  The loss of my marriage, financial ruin, the pain in my mother's and sister's eyes, loss of friendships, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, etc.  Where is my Siloam?  First it was the rooms of a 12 step program, then it was a church on top of a magic mountain, then it was a therapist's office, and 12 years later it is a combination of prayer, church, family (including my brother), friends, and my therapist.  I confess to all of them, and yes sometimes I confess right here on Lipstick Dogs. 

The thing is, is that when I confess what is really going on, I get clarity and the blinders are lifted and I can see again.  I don't make the same mistakes, or at least to the degree as I did the first time.  I have a wonderful marriage today, my kids are healthy and thriving, I have a wonderful relationship with all of my family, I am reconnecting with old friends, and making new friends.  Jesus heals my blindness, I am a witness for him. 

Quick daily example:  My daughter called tonight and wants to go an exhibit in Philadelphia next week.  The choices were Wednesday or Thursday night.  Thursday night I have bible study and if we go Wednesday night my husband would have to take off of work.  So I email my husband and say, Chelsea wants to go to an exhibit on Wednesday, can you take off of work?  Can you see my sin?  Can you see my blindness?  It took me by the time I hit the send button to realize I was dishonest, selfish and greedy.  Yes, I don't want to miss my bible study, but if my husband doesn't have to take personal time off on Thursday, why would I ask him to do that?

Do you have mud in your eye you need to wash out?  Are you a silent victim?  How has Jesus helped heal your blindness?